making amends.

Recently I was faced with the consequences of my own actions - actions that in hindsight, were not me at all. At first, I diverted, and could not allow myself to believe that this was my fault at all.

However, after 4 days in bed with the flu, I have had many many hours to sit, think, cry and realise what the root of all of these problems were.

I had become a toxic person. In the past few months, I had allowed toxic thoughts to manifest in my mind, they swarmed my brain and quite frankly, made me rather chaotic to be with. I lost trust, in both myself and pretty much everything else. After coming out of hospital, I was depressed, I did not see much going for me anymore and my self esteem was zero to none. 

I do not see my situations as an excuse for how I acted, God forbid I ever tried to use that as a get out of jail free card. But, what I will do is allow myself to understand, that how I have acted has not been true to who I am and who I want to be. 

The truth is, I lost trust in myself and because of this everyone else - I believed that everyone was out to ruin my relationship and that I needed to prove myself constantly to be loved. I required constant reassurance that I was enough, and even when told - I never believed it. I got into a dark place, one where I held down the clutch and disconnected the love in my heart from the actions I was making. I became rude, and I no longer allowed myself to see people for more than how they had treated me. The Lauren I used to pride myself on, always took into account that people go through shit and sometimes the way they treat you can be a reflection of their situation. I would have never been the type of person to have been so inconsiderate as I had been. 

It has taken me a while to realise that I am not the person I want to be - and I now realise this, and as though I have had some spiritual awakening, I am ready to change.

I know who I am, deep down. I know that I am the type of person who exclaims "I love friendship" the minute I meet someone for the first time - because I do. I love the fact that people would want to spend time with me, and would want to trust me. I am the type of person who would be there for anyone, whenever they needed me - and I love this. I love being there for people, I am a huge believer that every bad thing that has ever happened to me, has occurred because I needed to learn so I can help others. I love to love - I love the feeling of being so there, and open, and good for someone that you can see it. I get a buzz off of making people happy. And recently, I have not done this.

I also know who I want to be - I want to pride myself on the fact that in my life I have no bad relationships, that they are all either neutral, or flourishing. Like in the Sims, when you meet someone and you either do all the right things and everyone is a friend, or your husband. I want that in my life - I want to know that I could go into any social situation with a group of people, no matter who, and I can be confident and have enough trust in myself that I can make these people my friends. I want to trust myself more, trust that I am enough, and if anyone is to ever act against this then it is their loss. 

I am not happy with how I have acted previously, and I know that I can not go back in the past and change what has occurred, but what I can do is I control how I go forward in life from now on. I can try to make amends, and if my apology is not taken, I am happy enough because I know that it is out there in the universe. 

I know who I want to be, and I know who I am. I just need to shake off the doubt, wipe away the fear and allow myself to truly be, Lauren, once again.

Loz.